My husband and I have had our fair share of issues. We married at a young age, and everyone told us we would never make it. Until this day, we continue to prove them wrong. They said, “You guys are so young, you’re in the military, and you don’t know anything about life. Might as well just give up now.” The world might as well have been against us. I was 19 and he was 22. They gave us one year of survival. And we fought through that one year, and I mean FOUGHT. We had a tough time of tears, anger, resentment, betrayal, secrets and so many things that I thought would tear us apart. And I thought we weren’t going to make it. At some points, my heart just wasn’t in it. We saw a counselor even, we tried to work it out. And everywhere we went to fix “the problems” we always got the same responses.
“Well are you communicating?”
That’s what they would ask us. My parents asked us if we talked to each other. Did we tell each other things? His mom asked him, “Well are you telling her what you are telling me?” And we came to the realization, that all these issues, all these arguments, maybe they would’ve never been meant to NOT happen. We were learning what it was to actually be in a relationship. A true, sincere, relationship with your partner.
Ask yourself a few questions,
-Do I love my partner?
-If something were to rip this person out of my life, would I be okay?
-Do I see myself better with someone else?
-Are we talking to each other?
-Do we actually tell each other the truth no matter how much it hurts?
-Am I willing to work it out with my partner despite anything that happens?
In a relationship, we sometimes forget that our partner can’t read our minds. They don’t know how we really feel until we voice it to them. Communication really is key. Telling your partner what you are thinking, how you are feeling is important. Ladies, you can’t be angry with your man if he doesn’t know that you had a terrible day and you really wanted some chocolate at the end of it. (Yes, I used to expect my man to just know these things, and it only led me to being angry with him for no reason.) When we voice our opinions to them, they eventually become patterns. If you had a bad day this week then you tell them, “I had a really bad day, do you mind stopping by the store on your way home and getting me a Twix?”And maybe next week when you tell them you had a really bad day, you won’t have to mention the Twix and they’ll probably go the extra mile and bring home some roses. Some men aren’t wired to understand that woman want stuff. And not all men are as romantic as Brad Pitt. Some of them actually have to learn it.
I had a friend that ran into a situation with her boyfriend. “Can you put the clothes in the dryer,” she asked him. An hour later she walked over to the laundry room and took the clothes out of the dryer. “Are you serious?!” She looked at him like he was crazy. He had no idea why she was looking at him like that. He had put the clothes that were sitting on top of the dryer inside of the dryer and left the clean, wet clothes in the washer. She didn’t communicate to him effectively. And I know we are all probably thinking, are you serious, that’s the silliest mistake ever. But you would be surprised at the crazy things men do. You have to communicate with them effectively, and tell them what you want and exactly how you want it for them to actually understand and comply.
Men, your girl isn’t going to magically know that you are going to go out with your pal (let’s call him George) if you don’t tell her. Yes, she knows that you and George are best friends, and yes she has no issues with you hanging out with George, but she wants to know where you are going. No, it’s not because she’s a crazy, psycho girlfriend/wife who wants to know your every move at every second of the day! It’s because she cares about you, and if you have nothing to hide then why wouldn’t you tell her that you’re going out with George for some drinks tonight anyway? It’s a call for suspicion and just causes problems. Sometimes humans just have trouble trusting and that is normal.
Communication has to be done a certain way when you are angry sometimes. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life yelling loudly at the person you care about? Lets face it, anger is a big emotion that tends to take over sometimes, and it leads us to saying things we really don’t mean. So my husband and I had an argument the other day. It went like this:
Me-“You went out with your friends while I was gone and you didn’t even tell me? What are you hiding?”
Him-“Oh my goodness!!! You always think I’m hiding something! I don’t have to tell you everything all the time!”
Me-“Are you serious!? So you can go out, and do whatever, and party, and have fun and your wife doesn’t need to know?!”
Him-“That’s not even what I said!!! Why are you acting all psycho!”
Me-“I’m acting PSYCHO!? You haven’t seen psycho!”
So you can only imagine where the conversation went from there. Doors were slamming, mean things were said, and feelings were hurt. Was that really necessary? Not at all. What I probably should have done when I found out, was take a deep breath. Or maybe multiple of those. And waited until I calmed down. After calming down, I could’ve finally approached him and explained to him calmly, that I would like it if next time he told me that he was going out with his friends because I would just like to feel secure in knowing where he is. It’s all about building trust. My normal thought was, “maybe he went out with some girl”. I know terrible. But I’ve been in relationships where the other person wasn’t faithful before, and I’m not saying you should drag your trust issues into new relationships, but sometimes it’s difficult to trust people. With communication, things like this can be avoided.
Remember to tell the person you care about everything. Let them know you have that pet peeve of them leaving the toilet seat open. Tell them your feelings got hurt when they said something about you in front of all their friends. Let them know you don’t feel comfortable meeting their parents yet. The truth may hurt. But it’s always worth it. My mom always taught me, what’s in the dark always comes to the light, and man was she right about that one. Remember to speak calmly to the person, and listening as well is always important. Wait until they finish talking and relay what they said back to them so that they know that you understood the message they are trying to get across. After they are done talking, then you can talk. But remember to always be patient, and to always be honest. Communication is key.
So what is the secret to have a successful, and wonderful relationship!?
My husband and I.
Communication has gotten us this far!